Forget those clichéd and mundane new baby card messages, we’ve got something better in store for you; the 127 funniest new baby quotes! We’ve gathered a list of funny newborn wishes that are both heartwarming ánd hilarious to add an extra sparkle to the parents’ sleep-deprived eyes!
Whether you’re the best friend, the doting aunt or uncle, or just a distant cousin looking to make a splash with your congratulatory message, we’ve got you covered! Prepare to unleash an avalanche of joy, laughter, and love with these uniquely crafted wishes that go beyond the usual “congratulations”!
Disclaimer: Use these wishes responsibly, as uncontrollable fits of laughter may be hazardous for tired new parents.
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Table of Contents
Save these funny new baby wishes
Don’t forget to save these new baby wishes on Pinterest, so you’re ready to spread joy and laughter when the next baby comes along!
Sweet and funny new baby quotes
1. “You two will totally be the cool parents.”
2. “Congratulations! Your family just got a little crazier, a little louder, and a lot more lovable. Enjoy every moment with your new bundle of joy!”
3. “Awesome people make awesome babies.”
4. “You are going to be such a great mom. Which is a good thing for our planet because the world doesn’t need anymore *ssholes.”
5. “You are going to be such a great dad. Which is a good thing for our planet because the world doesn’t need anymore *ssholes.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
6. “Roses are red, violets are blue. Your baby is adorable. How are you?”
7. “The laundry is about to get super cute.”
8. “Thanks for making a tiny human I’m going to spoil forever!”
9. “Congrats on nine successful months of MILF training.”
10. “Congrats! You’re going to rock this parent sh*t!”
11. “100% MILF”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny new baby wishes with advice
12. “Don’t worry. It gets easier after the first 18 years.”
13. “Now as you travel down the road of life, remember…… the stroller, the diapers, the formula, the toys, the bottles, the pacifier, the blanket…”
14. “Cleaning with baby wipes counts. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”
15. “How to calm a baby. 1. Pick the baby up. 2. Okay, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.”
16. “If anyone tries to give you unsolicited baby advice. Just tell them to shut the f*ck up and then blame the outburst on sleep deprivation.”
17. “Raising kids taught me so much. How f*cking terrible I am at not swearing, for example.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny ‘good luck’ wishes for baby cards
18. “Prayers for your new baby and your sanity.”
19. “Sending you all the new parent superpowers: extra patience, heightened senses, and the ability to nap anytime, anywhere!”
20. “Sometimes babies don’t sleep… Good luck with that!”
21. “I head that you just water the baby once a week and they totally take care of themselves. Oh, wait! That’s a cactus. Never mind. You’re screwed.”
22. “Holy sh*t, you have a baby now… I mean, congrats on your little one!”
23. “Congratulations on the baby. Hope it turns out better than most of your DIY projects.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny new baby quotes about poop
24. “Babies change everything… Except their own diapers.”
25. “Congrats on the adorable new poop machine!”
26. “It’s all shits & giggles until someone gets pissed in the eye!”
27. “Guess what? You’re officially promoted to “Chief Diaper Changer”! Congratulations on your little one!”
28. “You don’t truly know what love is until you’ve sniffed another human being’s butt to check for poop. Congrats!”
29. “Shits and giggles are coming your way…. Mostly shits though.”
30. “You were made for this sh*t.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny new baby wishes about sleep
31. “Today we celebrate your new baby and mourn your loss of sleep.”
32. “Eat. Sleep. Poo. Repeat. The baby obviously, not you. You will never sleep…”
33. “Starting today, it is me who’ll decide when we get up!” – baby.
34. “A conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can.”
35. “Congratulations on your new alarm clock!”
36. “Congratulations on the adorable new addition to your family! Prepare for sleepless nights and endless cuteness overload.”
37. “Welcome to the ‘no sleep, no personal space, but all the love club! Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!”
38. “Congratulations on your little miracle! May your baby’s first word be ‘coffee’ to keep you going through those sleep-deprived days.”
39. “R.I.P. Your sleep… Also congrats on your new baby!”
40. “Sleep thief…”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Short funny baby quotes
41. “Heard you have a new roomie. Congratulations!”
42. “Heard your home has grown by 2 feet. Congrats!”
43. “Congrats on your newest tax deduction.”
44. Funny Lion King card.
(Shop card at Etsy)
45. “It’s a baby! I was worried you may have given birth to a pizza.”
46. “Welcome future legend!”
47. “You guys had sex and made a tiny human. Congrats!”
48. “You made a tiny human!”
49. “Rollin’ with my homies.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny baby messages about being parents
50. “Having a baby is like living in a frat house; nobody sleeps, there’s a lot of noise and there’s a lot of throwing up… Congrats!”
51. “Congratulations on successfully completing the ‘9-month endurance challenge’! Now get ready for the lifelong marathon of parenting.”
52. “How excited are you to drink coffee and see your toes again?”
53. “Raising the children is a walk in the park. But like, Jurassic Park.”
54. “Blowouts before baby… Blowouts after baby!”
(Shop card at Etsy)
55. “Congratulations on creating a tiny human! Get ready to be bossed around by someone who can’t even say ‘please’ yet.”
56. “Being a parent is an exceptional joy…until the baby is handed back to you.”
57. “Your little one already has you wrapped around their tiny finger. It’s just the beginning!”
58. “It says that we’re doing it all wrong. I told you not to google it.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
59. “As a mom, the best sound you’ll ever hear is the first time your child says the word ‘mama’…And the worst sound you’ll ever hear is every single time after that!”
60. “Hip hip hooray and three cheers! Let’s plan something fun in about eighteen years.”
61. “Now this is a story all about how your life got flipped turned upside down.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
62. “You used to have time. Now you have a baby!”
63. “Welcome to motherhood where your nickname is ‘Mom’, but your full name is ‘mom mom mom mom mom’.”
64. “Ain’t no hood like motherhood.”
65. “Look at it this way, your parents didn’t have a clue what to do either and you turned out just fine.”
66. “You know, they say it takes a village to raise a child. Could you please direct me to the nearest village? “
(Shop card at Etsy)
67. “Maybe there’s a reason why storks bring babies and don’t keep them… You’re about to find out.”
68. “Congratulations! Parenthood is full of things you swore you would never do!”
69. “The most expensive part of having a baby is all the wine and coffee you have to drink! Enjoy!”
70. “Did you ever think there would come a day when you would wake up in the morning and try to remember how long your tits were out the night before? Parenting is wild!”
71. “Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet; no one really knows how.”
72. Funny penguin card.
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny new baby cards with puns
73. “Don’t cry over spilled milk… Unless it’s breast milk.”
74. “Congrats on your little sprout.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
75. “Congrats on the new pea in your pod!”
(Shop card at Etsy)
76. “Party at the crib.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
77.. “Nine months feels like maternity.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
78. “Let’s roll, bitches.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
79. “Congratulations on your little love burrito.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
80. “Congratulations on your nice, nice baby.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
81. “Pumped for you!”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny new baby wishes about labor
82. “Bitches get stiches. P.S. Congrats on the baby!”
83. “Congrats on the new baby (sympathies to your vagina).”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny new baby congratulations messages about social media feeds
84. “Congratulations on your baby! I promise not to unfollow you…yet.”
85. “Congrats on your new bundle of joy! I’m trying to keep up with your baby feeds, but my scroll finger needs a break!”
86. “Cheers to your new baby! Consider me a loyal follower, even if I’ve set up a “baby pics filter” in my mind.”
87. “Your baby feeds are the best form of birth control for me! Kidding aside, congrats on the precious addition to your family!”
88. “Your baby is too cute for my own good. I’ll be alternating between awww-ing and unfollowing – it’s a delicate balance!”
89. “Wishing you all the happiness with your baby! I’ll endure the baby feeds because I cherish your friendship!”
90. “Congratulations on becoming parents! I’ll cherish the moments when my feed isn’t taken over by baby pics – rare gems!”
91. “Welcome to the world of parenthood, where your Twitter feed now features endless tweets about baby milestones! (I’ve already unfollowed you, no offense).”
92. “You’ve had a baby! If you list your job as ‘full-time mummy’ on Facebook I will disown you.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny new baby wishes for siblings
93. “To my sweet brother/sister: May your baby’s first word be “Aunt/Uncle [your name]”! Just kidding, but you know I’m eager to spoil them rotten!”
94. “Wishing the best to the newest member of our family – and to their awesome parents!”
95.”Congratulations on becoming a parent! Your baby is lucky to have the coolest aunt/uncle around (aka me)!”
96. “Can’t wait to teach your child their first swear word.”
97. “Your baby is super cute, but you know their uncle/aunt will always be the coolest one in their life. Congrats anyway!”
98. “Rude that you’re not naming the baby after me. But ok.”
99. “Whenever you feel overwhelmed, remember you’ve got a built-in babysitter – your favorite sibling”
100. “Congratulations! Your family has grown, and so has your laundry pile. Embrace the chaos!”
101. “Dibs on the title favorite aunt. Oh yeah, congrats on having your baby and stuff.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny baby congratulations messages for drinkers
102. “Poppin’ bottles just took a whole new meaning…”
103. “Parenthood – the one job where happy hour takes on a whole new meaning (it’s that one hour your baby decides to sleep). Cheers to you and your new baby!”
104. “Bottles before baby vs bottles after baby.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
105. “Bottles service has a whole new meaning now. Congratulations.”
106. “Welcome to parenthood, where ‘wine time’ has changed to ‘whine time’. Congratulations on your adorable new baby!”
107. “Congratulations on your new arrival. Be you can’t wait to go out and get shitfaced gaze adoringly at your baby as they sleep.”
108. “Hitting the bottle will take on a whole new meaning now. Congrats!”
109. And then there were three.
(Shop card at Etsy)
110. “Cheers to the end of the ‘mocktail era’ and the glorious return of adult beverages (coffee)! Congratulations on your baby’s arrival!”
111. “Now you can finally start popping bottles again! … Baby bottles, of course!”
112. “There is no greater love than the love a mother has for her child wine.”
113. “Look who traded wine bottles for baby bottles!”
114. “It’s 5 AM somewhere.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny baby shower messages to parents
115. “I thought I’d get you a realistic baby shower card. Sorry, you can’t drink or fit in your pants. Also here is a gift that’s not for you.”
116. “Since you can’t drink right now, I’ll raise two glasses to you and your soon-to-arrive new bundle of joy!”
117. “Remember this happy day forever! For a long time, this is one of the last showers you’ll get to enjoy in peace…”
118. “Sorry, we’re all drinking without you. Have a happy baby shower!”
119. “Have you started practicing labor positions? Yes! My favorite one so far is unconscious.”
(Shop card at Etsy)
Funny new baby quotes
120. “Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.” — Shannon Fife
121. “A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.”
122. “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” — Franklin P. Jones
123. “When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: Fetch!” — Bruce Lansky
124. “The only things kids wear out faster than their shoes are their parents. — John J. Plomp
125. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Steve Martin
126. “People who say, they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one.” — Leo Burke
127. “There is only one pretty child in the world – and every mother has it!” (Chinese proverb)
Save these funny new baby wishes
Did you save these funny new baby wishes on Pinterest yet?
Final notes about funny new baby messages
And there you have it – 127 heartwarming and funny new baby wishes that are guaranteed to leave the parents in stitches (the good kind, of course!). Remember, laughter is the best gift you can give, and these wishes are like the icing on the cake of parenthood. So, go forth, spread the joy, and let these witty greetings bring smiles to tired faces.
