127 Funny New Baby Wishes To Share In Your Card For Proud Parents

Written by: Lara
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A note with baby colors and items around

Forget those clichéd and mundane new baby card messages, we’ve got something better in store for you; the 127 funniest new baby quotes! We’ve gathered a list of funny newborn wishes that are both heartwarming ánd hilarious to add an extra sparkle to the parents’ sleep-deprived eyes!

Whether you’re the best friend, the doting aunt or uncle, or just a distant cousin looking to make a splash with your congratulatory message, we’ve got you covered! Prepare to unleash an avalanche of joy, laughter, and love with these uniquely crafted wishes that go beyond the usual “congratulations”!

Disclaimer: Use these wishes responsibly, as uncontrollable fits of laughter may be hazardous for tired new parents.

For more awesome ideas for new parents, check out

Save these funny new baby wishes

Don’t forget to save these new baby wishes on Pinterest, so you’re ready to spread joy and laughter when the next baby comes along!

127 Hilarious messages for baby cards with an image of baby items

Sweet and funny new baby quotes

1. “You two will totally be the cool parents.”

2. “Congratulations! Your family just got a little crazier, a little louder, and a lot more lovable. Enjoy every moment with your new bundle of joy!”

3. “Awesome people make awesome babies.”

4. “You are going to be such a great mom. Which is a good thing for our planet because the world doesn’t need anymore *ssholes.”

5. “You are going to be such a great dad. Which is a good thing for our planet because the world doesn’t need anymore *ssholes.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny newborn card for dads
Photo courtesy of Pretty By Her

6. “Roses are red, violets are blue. Your baby is adorable. How are you?”

7. “The laundry is about to get super cute.”

8. “Thanks for making a tiny human I’m going to spoil forever!”

9. “Congrats on nine successful months of MILF training.”

10. “Congrats! You’re going to rock this parent sh*t!”

11. “100% MILF”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny newborn card for mothers
Photo courtesy of A Couple Puns

Funny new baby wishes with advice

12. “Don’t worry. It gets easier after the first 18 years.”

13. “Now as you travel down the road of life, remember…… the stroller, the diapers, the formula, the toys, the bottles, the pacifier, the blanket…”

14. “Cleaning with baby wipes counts. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

15. “How to calm a baby. 1. Pick the baby up. 2. Okay, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.”

16. “If anyone tries to give you unsolicited baby advice. Just tell them to shut the f*ck up and then blame the outburst on sleep deprivation.”

17. “Raising kids taught me so much. How f*cking terrible I am at not swearing, for example.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny cards for new parents about swearing
Photo courtesy of Quirky Card Company

Funny ‘good luck’ wishes for baby cards

18. “Prayers for your new baby and your sanity.”

19. “Sending you all the new parent superpowers: extra patience, heightened senses, and the ability to nap anytime, anywhere!”

20. “Sometimes babies don’t sleep… Good luck with that!”

21. “I head that you just water the baby once a week and they totally take care of themselves. Oh, wait! That’s a cactus. Never mind. You’re screwed.”

22. “Holy sh*t, you have a baby now… I mean, congrats on your little one!”

23. “Congratulations on the baby. Hope it turns out better than most of your DIY projects.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby card about DIY projects
Photo courtesy of The Potty Mouth Press

Funny new baby quotes about poop

24. “Babies change everything… Except their own diapers.”

25. “Congrats on the adorable new poop machine!”

26. “It’s all sh*ts & giggles until someone gets pissed in the eye!”

27. “Guess what? You’re officially promoted to “Chief Diaper Changer”! Congratulations on your little one!”

28. “You don’t truly know what love is until you’ve sniffed another human being’s butt to check for poop. Congrats!”

29. “Sh*ts and giggles are coming your way…. Mostly sh*ts though.”

30. “You were made for this sh*t.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby card about diapers
Photo courtesy of Pine and Isle

Funny new baby wishes about sleep

31. “Today we celebrate your new baby and mourn your loss of sleep.”

32. “Eat. Sleep. Poo. Repeat. The baby obviously, not you. You will never sleep…”

33. “Starting today, it is me who’ll decide when we get up!” – baby.

34. “A conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can.”

35. “Congratulations on your new alarm clock!”

36. “Congratulations on the adorable new addition to your family! Prepare for sleepless nights and endless cuteness overload.”

37. “Welcome to the ‘no sleep, no personal space, but all the love club! Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!”

38. “Congratulations on your little miracle! May your baby’s first word be ‘coffee’ to keep you going through those sleep-deprived days.”

39. “R.I.P. Your sleep… Also congrats on your new baby!”

40. “Sleep thief…”
(Shop card at Etsy)

funny new baby wishes card
Photo courtesy of Purple Tree Designs UK

Short funny baby quotes

41. “Heard you have a new roomie. Congratulations!”

42. “Heard your home has grown by 2 feet. Congrats!”

43. “Congrats on your newest tax deduction.”

44. Funny Lion King card.
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny new baby wishes with the Lion king
Photo courtesy of Snowtap

45. “It’s a baby! I was worried you may have given birth to a pizza.”

46. “Welcome future legend!”

47. “You guys had sex and made a tiny human. Congrats!”

48. “You made a tiny human!”

49. “Rollin’ with my homies.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby wishes card with "rollin with my homies"
Photo courtesy of Snarky Card

Funny baby messages about being parents

50. “Having a baby is like living in a frat house; nobody sleeps, there’s a lot of noise and there’s a lot of throwing up… Congrats!”

51. “Congratulations on successfully completing the ‘9-month endurance challenge’! Now get ready for the lifelong marathon of parenting.”

52. “How excited are you to drink coffee and see your toes again?”

53. “Raising the children is a walk in the park. But like, Jurassic Park.”

54. “Blowouts before baby… Blowouts after baby!”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby wishes card with blowouts before and after baby
Photo courtesy of A Couple Puns

55. “Congratulations on creating a tiny human! Get ready to be bossed around by someone who can’t even say ‘please’ yet.”

56. “Being a parent is an exceptional joy…until the baby is handed back to you.”

57. “Your little one already has you wrapped around their tiny finger. It’s just the beginning!”

58. “It says that we’re doing it all wrong. I told you not to google it.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby quotes card with "it says we're doing it all wrong"
Photo courtesy of Oddball Press

59. “As a mom, the best sound you’ll ever hear is the first time your child says the word ‘mama’…And the worst sound you’ll ever hear is every single time after that!”

60. “Hip hip hooray and three cheers! Let’s plan something fun in about eighteen years.”

61. “Now this is a story all about how your life got flipped turned upside down.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby quotes card with The Fresh prince of Bell Air
Photo courtesy of Tagooey

62. “You used to have time. Now you have a baby!”

63. “Welcome to motherhood where your nickname is ‘Mom’, but your full name is ‘mom mom mom mom mom’.”

64. “Ain’t no hood like motherhood.”

65. “Look at it this way, your parents didn’t have a clue what to do either and you turned out just fine.”

66. “You know, they say it takes a village to raise a child. Could you please direct me to the nearest village? “
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby quotes card about raising a child
Photo courtesy of Curly Fries Gifts

67. “Maybe there’s a reason why storks bring babies and don’t keep them… You’re about to find out.”

68. “Congratulations! Parenthood is full of things you swore you would never do!”

69. “The most expensive part of having a baby is all the wine and coffee you have to drink! Enjoy!”

70. “Did you ever think there would come a day when you would wake up in the morning and try to remember how long your t*ts were out the night before? Parenting is wild!”

71. “Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet; no one really knows how.”

72. Funny penguin card.
(Shop card at Etsy)

Cute baby card with penguins
Photo courtesy of Bamber Prints

Funny new baby cards with puns

73. “Don’t cry over spilled milk… Unless it’s breast milk.”

74. “Congrats on your little sprout.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby card with pun
Photo courtesy of Pink Mango Print

75. “Congrats on the new pea in your pod!”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Baby card with pea pun
Photo courtesy of Pine and Isle

76. “Party at the crib.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby crib card
Photo courtesy of Tagooey

77.. “Nine months feels like maternity.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby card
Photo courtesy of A Couple Puns

78. “Let’s roll, bitches.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby card with a stroller and "let's roll bitches"
Photo courtesy of Drawing Blank Cards

79. “Congratulations on your little love burrito.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny burrito baby wishes card
Photo courtesy of Spelling Bee Cards

80. “Congratulations on your nice, nice baby.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

baby wishes card with "nice nice baby"
Photo courtesy of Paper Michelle

81. “Pumped for you!”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny pun card for new parents
Photo courtesy of A Couple Puns

Funny new baby wishes about labor

82. “Bitches get stiches. P.S. Congrats on the baby!”

83. “Congrats on the new baby (sympathies to your vagina).”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby wishes card
Photo courtesy of Everyday Frank

Funny new baby congratulations messages about social media feeds

84. “Congratulations on your baby! I promise not to unfollow you…yet.”

85. “Congrats on your new bundle of joy! I’m trying to keep up with your baby feeds, but my scroll finger needs a break!”

86. “Cheers to your new baby! Consider me a loyal follower, even if I’ve set up a “baby pics filter” in my mind.”

87. “Your baby feeds are the best form of birth control for me! Kidding aside, congrats on the precious addition to your family!”

88. “Your baby is too cute for my own good. I’ll be alternating between awww-ing and unfollowing – it’s a delicate balance!”

89. “Wishing you all the happiness with your baby! I’ll endure the baby feeds because I cherish your friendship!”

90. “Congratulations on becoming parents! I’ll cherish the moments when my  feed isn’t taken over by baby pics – rare gems!”

91. “Welcome to the world of parenthood, where your Twitter feed now features endless tweets about baby milestones! (I’ve already unfollowed you, no offense).”

92. “You’ve had a baby! If you list your job as ‘full-time mummy’ on Facebook I will disown you.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Card for new parents
Photo courtesy of Pack A Punch Designs

Funny new baby wishes for siblings

93. “To my sweet brother/sister: May your baby’s first word be “Aunt/Uncle [your name]”! Just kidding, but you know I’m eager to spoil them rotten!”

94. “Wishing the best to the newest member of our family – and to their awesome parents!”

95.”Congratulations on becoming a parent! Your baby is lucky to have the coolest aunt/uncle around (aka me)!”

96. “Can’t wait to teach your child their first swear word.”

97. “Your baby is super cute, but you know their uncle/aunt will always be the coolest one in their life. Congrats anyway!”

98. “Rude that you’re not naming the baby after me. But ok.”

99. “Whenever you feel overwhelmed, remember you’ve got a built-in babysitter – your favorite sibling”

100. “Congratulations! Your family has grown, and so has your laundry pile. Embrace the chaos!”

101. “Dibs on the title favorite aunt. Oh yeah, congrats on having your baby and stuff.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

baby wishes card from aunt
Photo courtesy of Stack Creates

Funny baby congratulations messages for drinkers

102. “Poppin’ bottles just took a whole new meaning…”

103. “Parenthood – the one job where happy hour takes on a whole new meaning (it’s that one hour your baby decides to sleep). Cheers to you and your new baby!”

104. “Bottles before baby vs bottles after baby.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby wishes card with bottles before and after baby
Photo courtesy of A Couple Puns

105. “Bottles service has a whole new meaning now. Congratulations.”

106. “Welcome to parenthood, where ‘wine time’ has changed to ‘whine time’. Congratulations on your adorable new baby!”

107. “Congratulations on your new arrival. Be you can’t wait to go out and get sh*tfaced gaze adoringly at your baby as they sleep.”

108. “Hitting the bottle will take on a whole new meaning now. Congrats!”

109. And then there were three.
(Shop card at Etsy)

Then there were three baby card
Photo courtesy of Note Worthy Paper Place

110. “Cheers to the end of the ‘mocktail era’ and the glorious return of adult beverages (coffee)! Congratulations on your baby’s arrival!”

111. “Now you can finally start popping bottles again! … Baby bottles, of course!”

112. “There is no greater love than the love a mother has for her child wine.”

113. “Look who traded wine bottles for baby bottles!”

114. “It’s 5 AM somewhere.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

It's 5 AM somewhere baby card
Photo courtesy of A Couple Puns

Funny baby shower messages to parents

115. “I thought I’d get you a realistic baby shower card. Sorry, you can’t drink or fit in your pants. Also here is a gift that’s not for you.”

116. “Since you can’t drink right now, I’ll raise two glasses to you and your soon-to-arrive new bundle of joy!”

117. “Remember this happy day forever! For a long time, this is one of the last showers you’ll get to enjoy in peace…”

118. “Sorry, we’re all drinking without you. Have a happy baby shower!”

119. “Have you started practicing labor positions? Yes! My favorite one so far is unconscious.”
(Shop card at Etsy)

Funny baby wishes card
Photo courtesy of Curly Fries Gifts

Funny new baby quotes

120. “Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.” — Shannon Fife

121. “A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.”

122. “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” — Franklin P. Jones

123. “When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: Fetch!”  — Bruce Lansky

124. “The only things kids wear out faster than their shoes are their parents. — John J. Plomp

125. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Steve Martin

126. “People who say, they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one.”  — Leo Burke

127. “There is only one pretty child in the world – and every mother has it!” (Chinese proverb)

Chinese proverb quote

Save these funny new baby wishes

Did you save these funny new baby wishes on Pinterest yet?

127 Funny new baby wishes

Final notes about funny new baby messages

And there you have it – 127 heartwarming and funny new baby wishes that are guaranteed to leave the parents in stitches (the good kind, of course!). Remember, laughter is the best gift you can give, and these wishes are like the icing on the cake of parenthood. So, go forth, spread the joy, and let these witty greetings bring smiles to tired faces.


Hi, I’m Lara, a 30-year-old travel-lover (but who’s not these days?). I love reading, puzzling, world-heritage sites, researching, and making lists, which comes in quite handy when you’re making lists of travel gift ideas!