137 Funny New Year’s Quotes To Start With A Bang

Written by: Lara
Last update:
A sign with "happy new year" and colorful confetti
Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. This won’t cost you anything but it helps us to offset the costs of running our site. Read the affiliate disclosure to find out more.
This article has been written and researched by our gift experts following strict guidelines. Learn more about our methodology

Are you ready to bid farewell to 2023 and welcome 2024 with a big bang? Then you’ve come to the right place because we’ve collected the best funny New Year’s quotes for you. Get ready to chuckle, snort, and maybe even spit out your champagne as we present these 137 funny New Year’s wishes to you!

I mean, New Year’s resolutions are all well and good, but who needs those when you can have a good laugh instead? This is the time to embrace the joyous spirit, let loose, and indulge in some side-splitting humor. After all, what better way to finish and start the year than with a smile on your face and a belly full of laughter?

Whether you’re planning to share a good laugh with your friends at a New Year’s Eve party or you simply want to brighten up your day with some humor, our collection of funny New Year’s jokes has got you covered. From witty one-liners to clever puns, these quotes are guaranteed to make your last days of the year a blast!

Do you still need to send out your Christmas cards? Then check out these 101 hilarious Christmas messages to add some humor to your holiday greetings!

Or have a look at these inspirational Christmas quotes to set the mood for the holidays!

Save these funny New Year’s quotes

Don’t forget to save these funny New Year’s quotes on Pinterest to welcome the next year with a smile too!

137 Funny New Year quotes to make your year memorable

Funny New Year’s resolution quotes

1) “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”

2) “How about we resolve to repeat all the mistakes we made last year?”

3) “Dear New Year’s resolutions, it was fun while it lasted. Sincerely January 2nd.”

4) “I would lose weight for my New Year’s resolution, but I hate losing.”

5) “It is now time for that ‘new year, new me’ bullshit.”

6) “Still working on last year’s resolutions…”

7) “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.”

8) “Let’s open a gym called ‘resolutions’. For the first two weeks, we’ll have exercise equipment and then turn it into a bar for the rest of the year.”

9) “New year, same me, because I’m already freaking fabulous.”

10) “Here’s to pretending that anything changes when the year does.”

11) Funny resolutions progress card.
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year wishes card with resolutions
Photo courtesy of Quirky Card Company

12) “I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.”

13) “This year, I’m going to tell more people to f* off.”

14) “The most fun part about making New Year’s resolutions is breaking New Year’s resolutions.”

15) “New year, new me. For at least the next five days.”

16) “New year, new me… Just kidding. I’ll be in bed eating snacks, drinking wine, and binge-watching series.”

17) “My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating… starting from next year, of course!”

18) “Happy New Year. This year, let’s resolve to make better bad decisions!”

19) “Definitions of New Year’s resolutions: Casual promises I make to myself that I’m under no legal obligation to fulfill.”

20) “Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.”

21) “My New Year’s resolution is to send you this card. Nailed it.”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year resolutions card with 'my New Year's resolution is to send you this card. Nailed it"
Photo courtesy of Mikspress

22) “Who needs resolutions when you’re already perfect?”

23) “If it takes me more than 2 days to break my resolutions, I’ve made too many.”

24) “My New Year’s resolution is to be more spontaneous. But let me check my calendar and get back to you.”

25) “New Year’s resolution: Gym membership? Check. Workout clothes? Check. Actual workouts? Well, we’ll see about that!”

26) “I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I prefer to stay consistent with my track record of not following through with them!”

27) “New Year’s resolution: Eat healthier. Reality: Eat a salad and cancel it out with a side of fries!”

28) “My New Year’s resolution is to be more decisive… maybe. I’ll think about it.”

29) “New Year’s resolution: Save money. Reality: Sees a ‘50% off’ sale and suddenly forgets all about it!”

30) “I’ve decided to embrace my procrastination for my New Year’s resolution. It’s called ‘strategic delay’!”

31) “What I want to do this year: #1 drink water. #2 Eat healthy. What I’ll probably do this year. #1 Drink margaritas. #2 Eat tacos.”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year quotes card about resolutions
Photo courtesy of Quirky Card Company

Funny New Year’s wishes for others

32) “Happy New Year, same hot mess.”

33) “Before I get drunk, dance on the bar, lose my phone, get naked, and get arrested, Let me wish you a Happy New Year.”

34) “So excited for you to ruin another year of your life. Have a merry and Happy New Year.”

35) “So excited for you to ruin another year of my life. Have a Happy New Year.”

36) “Cheers to better bad decisions, Happy New Year!”

37) “I promise that this year too, I won’t let you do stupid things alone.”

38) “Now, don’t f* this new year up!”
Shop card at Etsy

Card with funny New Year wish "now don't f this new year up!"
Photo courtesy of Sleazy Greetings

39) “Wishing you a New Year with fewer dumb questions asked and more witty comebacks delivered!”

40) “Here’s to a New Year filled with enough awkward moments to make great stories for the next one!”

41) “Here’s to a New Year that brings you more good hair days than bad hair days (and trust me, we’ve seen some epic bad hair days)!”

42) “Wishing you a New Year that’s so amazing, it makes all your exes jealous!”

43) “May your New Year be so fantastic that your neighbors question their life choices!”

44) “May your bank account grow so fat this year that it makes Santa’s belly look like a six-pack!”

45) “Happy everything until next year.”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year's card "happy everything until next year. "
Photo courtesy of The Potty Mouth Press

Funny New Year’s wishes for friends

46) “Well, well, well… Look who made it to another year! Happy New Year, buddy! Can’t believe you managed to survive this long with your questionable decision-making skills. Here’s to more adventures that we’ll probably regret!”

47) “Happy New Year, my friend! I hope this year brings you enough motivation to actually follow through on one of your brilliant ideas!”

48) “Wishing you a happy New Year, my friend! May you finally find a job that values your unique talent of arriving late and leaving early. They say punctuality is overrated anyway!”

49) “Happy New Year, pal! Let’s make a pact to continue procrastinating and leaving everything until the last minute. After all, we work best under pressure… or so we keep telling ourselves!”

50) “Wishing you a happy New Year, my friend! May you find someone who can tolerate your weird quirks and questionable taste in music for another 365 days. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it!”

51) “Happy New Year, buddy! I hope this year you finally find the courage to put down the video game controller and step outside. I mean, the graphics are great, but have you seen nature in HD?”

52) “Happy New Year, pal! Let’s toast to another year of pretending we have our lives together while secretly binge-watching Netflix in our pajamas. Here’s to our masters in the art of deception!”

53) “Cheers to a New Year, my dear friend! May your resolution to wake up early last as long as your commitment to the gym (approximately three days). Here’s to embracing our laziness together!”

"Cheers to a New Year, my dear friend! May your resolution to wake up early last as long as your commitment to the gym (approximately three days). Here's to embracing our laziness together!"
Funny New Year’s quote for a friend

54) “Happy New Year, buddy! I hope this year brings you the courage to finally confront your fear of commitment… and no, I’m not talking about relationships. I’m talking about finishing a TV series without starting five more simultaneously!”

55) “Cheers to a New Year, my friend! May you find love that’s as stable as your Wi-Fi connection and as long-lasting as your phone battery. It’s about time, don’t you think?”

56) “Happy New Year, bestie! Let’s make a pact to continue being each other’s wing(wo)men, even if we both know we have zero game. Together, we’ll conquer the dating world… or at least make great stories out of our failures!”

57) “Wishing you a happy New Year, my friend! May you finally find the motivation to go to the gym, not just to take gym selfies, those biceps won’t grow by themselves!”

58) “Cheers to a New Year, my friend! May you find a significant other who appreciates your unique sense of humor… or at least someone who can tolerate your terrible puns. It’s a tough task, but not impossible!”

59) “Happy New Year, pal! Let’s toast to another year of pretending we have our lives figured out while secretly relying on Google for everything. Here’s to our not-so-hidden dependence on search engines!”

60) “Wishing you a happy New Year, my friend! May you finally learn the art of cooking, so we can stop ordering takeout every time we hang out.”

"Wishing you a happy New Year, my friend! May you finally learn the art of cooking, so we can stop ordering takeout every time we hang out."
Funny New Year’s wish for a friend

Funny New Year’s quotes from famous people

61) “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald

 62) “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” —Oscar Wilde

 63) “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”—Bill Vaughan

64) “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” —Farquhar McGillivray Knowles

65) “This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2.” —Melanie White

66) “New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain

67) “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughn

68) “Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.”—Andy Borowitz

"Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.''quote by Andy Borowitz
Funny New Year’s quote by Andy Borowitz

Funny New Year’s jokes about yourself

69) “New Year, New me…ntal breakdowns.”

70) “It’s time to make old mistakes in different ways.”

71) “I can’t believe it’s been another year since I didn’t become a better person.”

72) “Same shit, different year.”

73) “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.”

74) “Here is to another year of questionable life decisions.”

75) “Here’s to the time, I successfully wasted last year.”

76) “Merry Christmas. Or Happy New Year! Depending on when I get it together.”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year's wish card with : merry Christmas! or Happy New Year, depending on when I get it together"
Photo courtesy of Quirky Card Company

Funny New Year’s Eve quotes

77) “It’s officially New Year’s Eve. You only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.”

78) “May your New Year’s Eve be filled with so much laughter that it causes Champagne to come out of your nose!”

79) “New Year’s Eve: The night when we all transform into party animals, but end up feeling more like sloths in the morning!”

80) “My New Year’s resolution? To remember what actually happened on New Year’s Eve!”

81) “I’d rather kiss my dog at midnight.”

82) “On New Year’s Eve, I’m not getting drunk. I’m getting a socially enhanced personality makeover!”

83) “On New Year’s Eve, remember that calories don’t count when they’re in the form of alcohol!”

84) “If calories burned laughing count as a workout, I’m crushing my fitness goals this New Year’s Eve!”

85) “New Year’s Eve: The one night where ‘pour decisions’ are not only acceptable but encouraged!”

86) “They say the key to a successful New Year’s Eve is pacing yourself. Well, I’m more of a sprinter.”

87) “New Year’s Eve: The one night of the year when we convince ourselves that staying up past midnight is an impressive accomplishment!”

88) “On New Year’s Eve, I’ll be counting down the seconds until I can go home and take off my fancy clothes… and put on my pajamas!”

89) “New Year’s Eve: The night when ‘just one more drink’ turns into ‘oops, I’m dancing on the table’!”

90) “I don’t need a crystal ball to predict my New Year’s Eve: Champagne, laughter, dancing, more alcohol, and a high chance of waking up with a headache!”

91) “New Year’s Eve: The night when everyone becomes a fortune teller and predicts they’ll go to the gym… starting next week!”

92) “This New Year’s Eve, I’m counting down the minutes until I can start counting down the drinks!”

93) “If you don’t have anyone to kiss at midnight on New Year’s … you can always kiss my ass!”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year's eve card "if you don't gave anyone to kiss at midnight on New Year's... You can always kiss my ass"
Photo courtesy of The Potty Mouth Press

Funny New Year’s quotes about alcohol

94) “New Year’s is the best holiday, you can be drunk in public, and no one minds!”

95) “I’m still the same person I was last year—now I’m just hung over.”

96) “I’m not making resolutions this year. No one likes a skinny sober b*tch anyways.”

97) “Happy New Year! It’s time to renew our GIN membership.”

98) “New Year’s resolution: Drink more, care less. Cheers to a year of questionable decisions!”

99) “Why wait for midnight to start drinking? New Year’s Day should be celebrated with a champagne breakfast!”

100) “Raise your glass and toast to a New Year filled with more alcohol-induced wisdom and fewer regrets!”

101) “No champagne, no gain.”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year's card with "now champagne, no gain"
Photo courtesy of Chewy Lemon Studio

102) “My New Year’s resolution is to have a gin-credible time and wine a lot. Cheers to that!”

103) “My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full of Champagne!”

104) “Champagne: Because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad on New Year’s Eve!”

105) “New Year’s Day: The only day of the year where morning mimosas are not only socially acceptable but necessary!”

106) “New Year’s resolution: Drink more water… wait, I meant vodka. Drink more vodka!”

107) “Why make resolutions when you can make cocktails? Here’s to a mixology-filled New Year!”

108) “Happy new beers!”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year wishes card "Happy new beers"
Photo courtesy of Chewy Lemon Studio

Funny New Year’s puns

109) “What did one math book say to the other on New Year’s Day? “I hope you have a positive outlook for the coming year!”

110) “How did the calendar greet the new year? With a lot of dates!”

111) “Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants on New Year’s Day? In case he got a hole-in-one!”

112) “What do you say to a funny New Year’s resolution? “You crack me up!”

113) “What did the grape say on New Year’s Eve? “I’m gonna wine a lot this year!”

114) “Frappe New Year!”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year pun with "frappe New Year"
Photo courtesy of Chewy Lemon Studio

Funny New Year’s jokes about last year being shitty

115) “New year? Yes, please!”

116) “Before I sign up for 2024, I need to see the terms and conditions.”

117) “Let’s try this again… Happy New Year 2024!”

118) “I haven’t been this excited about a new year since last year.”

119) “People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.”

120) “Shit there goes another f*cking year.”

121) “Happy new year! What could possibly go wrong?”

122) “What happens in 2023 stays in 2023.”

123) “2024 better understand the assignment!”

124) “Before I agree to 2024, I need to watch the trailer first.”

125) “Here’s to hoping this year is less of a dumpster fire than last.”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny New Year's card with "here's to hoping this year is less of a dumpster fire than last"
Photo courtesy of Row House 14

Funny New Year’s quotes from movies and songs

126) “3…2…1… Happy New Year! Jumanji!”

127) “New Year’s Eve: The one night when you can channel your inner James Bond and order your drink ‘shaken, not stirred!'”

128) “I’m coming in the New Year like a wrecking ball!”
Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus

129) “I’ve got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good New Year’s night!”
I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas

130) “I’m gonna party like it’s 1999 in this New Year’s time!”
1999 by Prince

131) “It’s a beautiful New Year’s day, don’t let it slip away!”
Beautiful Day by U2

132) “Pour some champagne on me this New Year’s night!”
Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard

133) “Another year bites the dust.”
Shop card at Etsy

Funny freddy mercury card with "another year bites the dust"
Photo courtesy of Sleazy Greetings

More funny New Year’s quotes

134) “See you next year” isn’t a funny joke.”

135) “I’m gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year and when they arrive I will say, “I ordered this a year ago!”

136) “Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.”

137) “Don’t be so worried about what you eat between Christmas and New Year’s. Worry more about what you eat between New Year’s and Christmas.”

"Don’t be so worried about what you eat between Christmas and New Year’s. Worry more about what you eat between New Year’s and Christmas."
Funny New Year’s quote

Save these funny New Year’s quotes

Did you save these funny New Year’s quotes on Pinterest yet?

Funny New Year quotes to start the year with a bang with a photo of a headband with "happy new year"

Final notes on funny New Year’s wishes


Alright, I hope that these 137 funny New Year’s quotes uplifted your spirits to welcome the new year with a smile!

AUTHOR

Hi, I’m Lara, a 29-year-old travel-lover (but who’s not these days?). I love reading, puzzling, world-heritage sites, researching, and making lists, which comes in quite handy when you’re making lists of travel gift ideas!